The "Date My Captain Project"
by devilwentdown
Summary: Tom Paris wants to find the captain a date...


The 'date my captain project'

Ok so paramount owns the crew of Voyager but I own Lea and the date my sister project is owned by Christen idon'tknowhislastnamesorry

Please don't sue and enjoy!

Hate mail to [devil_went_down@yahoo.co.uk][1]

When Tom tries to find the captain a date…..

The 'date my captain project'

After searching for hours through History files due to boredom tom comes across a website thespark.com and there find the date my sister project. Now as our boy tom is a known practical joker he thinks of the person on voyager who could do with a little love in their lives….

(for those of you who have not read this do it is so funny but basically it's this guy trying to find a boyfriend for his sister, nice sentiment but he followed her around took photo's bugged her apartment and then put this all on the web)

Tom: day one. I've replicated the things I need. The captain is on the bridge so I'm going to bug her place. I have cameras, and a tap into her communications. I'm outside her door so far no signs of anyone…..I'm in she shouldn't have her security code as her birthday…..the camera is set…. Now the tap…… operation get the captain laid is under way.

This will be broadcast every morning so that the crew know my progress. We are only doing this because we care. 

Day two.

Personal log. I have enlisted B'lanna's help in getting the captain to spill about who she likes and why she likes them. the first date is set up for tonight at 2000 hrs. The Doctor is taking her for a meal in the holosuite. I have cameras set up to record the action as it happens.

2000 hrs. 

She arrives the doctor has brought her flowers she looks pleased. They are going in to the holosuites.

2100hrs.

The captain has just stormed out of the holosuite. 

2105.

The captain is throwing things around her quarters looking very angry.

2110hrs. 

I review what happened in the holosuite what seems to have set it off was the doctor saying 'you are very pretty captain even if you are old and slightly over weight for your height'. A little insensitive I'll give her but not that bad.

2200hrs. 

Had B'lanna review the tape apparently this was the worst possible thing that he could have said. She is going to choose the men to go on dates apparently I'm an idiot and she doesn't know why she even married me.

Day three.

Nothing has happened the captain has been in a foul mood. She put me on cleaning duty because I didn't look interested enough in her story about how great coffee was. I have to be more careful about the next date.

1300hrs.

At lunch today the captain sat with B'lanna and I and a freighter captain we are buying food off of. They seemed to get on well. A date has been set up for two days time.

Day four.

Captain's log.

For the past few days it feels like some one has been watching me all the time. Mr. Paris also keeps staring. I have a had a date with the Doctor that was a disaster. He called me old and fat. Bastard I have stolen his mobile emitter to make me feel better.

Tom's personal log.

The captain sure drinks a lot of coffee she has two cups in the morning another four on the bridge a couple over lunch how does she sleep at night. But then again I've never actually seen her fall asleep in the past three days.

Day Five.

1300 hrs.

The date will take place on the freighter ship. I have to set up bugs there so we know what's going on.

1700hrs. 

Tuvok caught me bringing surveillance equipment I'm trapped in the brig as I couldn't convince him that I found it in the corridor and was bringing it to him.

2300hrs.

B'lanna got me out and I missed the date totally but she has promised to quiz the captain in the pretence of 'girl talk'.

Day Six

0800hrs

on the bridge. The captain is acting very very oddly she has decided to stay in this region of space for a few days to investigate an 'anomaly'.

1400hrs.

B'lanna finally talks to the captain over coffee. I have the table bugged. Here's the conversation.

B'lanna: so Kathryn how are you?

Jw: I'm fine but the way your asking you want info on the date I had last night.

B'lanna: am I that transparent?

Jw: he was so sweet I know I could see through his skull but I hardly noticed it. He took me onto his ship so he could show me his art collection.

B'lanna: so how much of his collection did you see? (winks)

Jw: no it was really to show me his art collection then he told me stories about his daughter

B'lanna: I'm sure that was fun

Jw: he was almost too nice

B'lanna: so you're not going to see him again?

Jw: no he was too too….

B'lanna: nice

Jw: exactly

From this conversation maybe I should set the captain up with someone with no manners or someone who is just plain rude. This would be so much easier in the alpha quadrant but I will prevail. 

Day Seven

I skipped my duty shift today so I could go onto the freighter ship and maybe spot someone who was the exact opposite of refinement.

1800hrs.

I found someone but when I told B'lanna his name was bubba, he had a pet pig in his quarters and he could belch the alphabet (which I thought was pretty cool) she said no.

Captain's Log.

Still feel like there's someone watching me. Plus all the people on the ship keep giving me odd smiles AND the doctor some how found out that it was me who 'borrowed' his emitter but I just yelled at him that I was the captain and this was my ship and then threatened to delete his sorry ass. I have also been spending too much time in the Charlie's angels holo programme .

Day Eight

The captain went on another date with the freighter captain. I'm in shock I thought he was out of the running but obviously not.

1300hrs.

have found out that Naomi and Sam Wildmanaccompanied the captain on her date. Am very very curious.

1700hrs. 

Found out it was not the captains date but that she had been trying to set up Sam and the freighter captain.

1900hrs. 

still no luck on other possible men for the captain there is only one solution….a slumber party!

Day Nine

0600hrs. 

wake up to B'lanna yelling at me she found out I invited some of the women on the ship to a slumber party in our quarters tonight but I failed to ask her to hold it

0630hrs.

have B'lanna convinced to hold it but I have to make her breakfast every morning for six months, a small price to pay.

0800hrs. 

set up the surveillance equipment as soon as B'lanna left. I told her that I wouldn't so if I get caught I want to buried on Earth next to my grandparents.

2030hrs.

people are starting to arrive I'm staked out in Harry's quarters. He is on duty on the bridge.

B'lanna: welcome everybody to my slumber party.

(seven, the captain, Sam Wildman and Lea (read my other story 'there's a new girl in town' for who exactly lea is and how she's suddenly here) )

Seven: I fail to see the point of us all sleeping here on the floor when we all have perfectly good quarters.

Jw: because it's fun seven

Lea: I love sleepovers the last one I was at we ended up having a good old sing song

B'lanna: sing song? What did you sing?

Lea: oh everything same script different cast by Whitney Huston, waterfall by tlc and of course Lady Marmalade

B'lanna: I know that one

Seven: as a Borg I assimilated that knowledge

Jw: ooh sing it for me I don't know it

Lea: come on ladies

(please remember that this is being broadcast to everyone on the ship)

(they all really get into it complete with dancing except instead of super tramp outfits they are all in pj's)

Where's all my soul sistas   
Lemme hear y'all flow, sistas   
  
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista   
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista   
  


(Sam all on her lonesome)  
He met Marmalade down in ol' Moulin Rouge   
Strutting her stuff on the street   
She said, Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go, oh uh uh   
  
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya, da da (hey hey hey)   
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here, here)   
Mocha chocalata ya ya (ooh yeah)   
Creole Lady Marmalade   
  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir (oh, oh-oh)   
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (yeah yeah yeah yeah) 

(Seven goes it alone)  
  
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up   
Boy drank all that Magnolia wine   
All her black satin sheets, swear he started to freak, yeah   
  
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya, da da (da da da)   
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (oh oh yeah yea)   
Mocha chocalata ya ya (ya-a-a, yeah, yeah)   
Creole Lady Marmalade, ah   
  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)   
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ooh) 

(B'lanna solo)  
  
Rap:   
He come through with the money and the garter bags   
Let him know we 'bout that cake straight out the gate, uh   
We independent women, some mistake us for whores   
I'm saying why spend mine when I can spend yours   
Disagree, well that's you and I'm sorry   
I'm keep playing these cats out like Atari   
Wear high-heeled shoes, get love from the dudes   
Four bad-ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge   
Hey sistas, soul sistas, better get that dough, sistas   
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case   
The meaning of expensive taste   
You wanna gitchie, gitchie, ya ya   
Mocha chocalata, what   
Creole Lady Marmalade   
One more time, c'mon   
  
Marmalade (ooh, oh)   
Lady Marmalade (ooh, yeah, yeah)   
Marmalade (no-o-o-o)   
Hey, hey, hey   
  


(Lea)  
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, hey   
Color of café au lait, alright   
Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried   
More, more, more (no-o-o)   
  
Now he's back home doing 9 to 5 (9 to 5)   
Sleeping the gray flannel life   
But when he turns off to sleep, memories keep   
More, more, more (more-ore-ore)   
  


(they all get really into dancing around with hairbrushes)  
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya, da da (da da, hey)   
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (ohh)   
Mocha chocalata ya ya (ohh-ohh)   
Creole Lady Marmalade   
  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)   
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (all my sistas, yeah)   
Voulez-cous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)   
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ohh)   
  
C'mon, uh 

(Janeway grabs the words and joins in)  
  
Lea...   
Oh, laaaaaaayyyy, ohhh   
Sam...   
La-a-a-dy Marmalade...   
B'lanna...   
Hey, hey, uh uh uh uh uh uh uh   
Seven...   
Oh, oh, ohh-ohh, oh   
Rottweiler, baby (baby)   
Moulin Rouge (ooh-ooh)   
Da-da, da-da   
Janeway here   
Creole Lady Marmalade, ooooh, yes-ah

(All the crew are watching and are now in hysterics.)

B'lanna: now that was funLea: yea I haven't done it in ages but now onto the important stuff like at every sleep over men! 

(now all the men n the ship sit up and start to pay attention)Seven: what about men?Lea: our love lives Seven but first we need more chocolateJw: and wineLea:I'll get themB'lanna: get me an orange juice apparently alcohol is bad for the babyLea: here you go B'lanna. more wine Kathryn?Jw: why not? So Lea how are you getting on with Echeb?Lea: very well but he still can't drink anything without getting blotto and I've forgiven him for the singing thingJw: you had really I thought it was cute I'd love a man to sing to meB'lanna: hey tom said that Chakotay did!Jw: yea but it was only on a dareB'lanna: so what kind of men do you like?Jw: black hair, nice eyes has to like animals and play music or sing

B'lanna; ooh we'll have to set you up with someone

Seven: yes it would be a good idea for you to procreate Captain

Sam: how romantic procreating I wouldn't mind some of that!

B'lanna: trust me pregnancy is not fun. I'm fat can't drink and no coffee it's killing me

Lea: but Tom must be spoiling you

B'lanna: I wish I mean he's ok but he forgets I'm even pregnant sometimes

Jw: you'll be taking maternity leave soon won't you?

B'lanna: the engineers wish! No I won't take it but I will cut back a bit

Lea: this is getting boring lets play truth or dares

Seven: I am not aware of how to play that game

Lea: you either have to tell the group a truth or do a dare it's fun trust me (evil smile)

(tom: I think I have what I need. I'm going to go to sleep)

Later that night in Harry's quarters.

Harry: hi tom I didn't know you were staying here

Tom: ugghhh sleepy gway 

Harry ok

Tom: snore snore

(Harry notices the surveillance equipment)

Harry: ooh I can see it live sits down and watches

(Harry eyes widen when he sees Seven in a towel about to run out the door of the room)

Jw: k seven youss hasvesss to Givses dis letter to Tuvokkie on de brissdge 

Seven: ok but I fail to see the point

(and she's off for some reason Lea as drunk the captain runs after her )

(they reach the turbo lifts)

Lea: you gonna look sstuuupeeed

Seven: and my little Echeb is dating you

Lea: isss sthere somting wrong wiss me? (goes into you wanna make something of it stance)

Seven: we are at the bridge

(seven steps out in the towel and gives Chakotay the letter. Lea starts to laugh manically and falls over. Seven leaves her and heads back to the party)

Lea: you all look-….snore snore (falls asleep everybody stares for a minute but then goes back to watching the slumber party on the view screen)

(To keep this short and sweet a little summary of the sleepover since B'lanna was the only one sober she had great fun convincing them to dares but it all got a little out of hand and now on the outer hull of voyager there is written 'WE KICKED BORG BUTT AND WE CAN KICK YOURS TOO')

Day Ten

0800hrs.

the captain comes on to the bridge looking a little worse for wear. I have decided that Harry would be perfect for her he has black hair, he had a dog when he was a kid and can play the clarinet but I'm not sure if he has nice eyes or not.

1100hrs.

I've gotten Harry to go up and ask the captain for dinner tonight and she invited him to her quarters. Perfect I won't have to set up any more quarters.

1500hrs.

heard someone humming that song that the women were singing last night. B'lanna is going to kill me if she finds out I broadcast it to the ship

2000hrs.

Harry has just arrived he brought a box of chocolates. Nice move

2030hrs.

still going good he hasn't made any major mistakes but he did ask for a straw to drink his wine with

2130hrs

I am the best matchmaker. Harry and the captain are laughing like old friends.

2205hrs. 

Harry makes a move on the captain the old yawn and stretch but she blows him off. Burn.

2210hrs.

Harry has made a hasty exit. Still don't know what went wrong he so fit her description.

Day Eleven.

I need a result and fast who else on the crew manifest matches the captains description. Since I couldn't think of any one I decided to run it through the computer. The computer picked Chakotay but I can't see it. Desperation means that despite my misgivings I try to convince Chakotay to ask the captain out. you can see how it turned out with the hidden camera I had in my hat (I know I don't usually wear a hat)

Me: hey Chakotay how's it hangin'?

Chakotay: fine what do you want Paris?

Me: nothing just you know to chat

Chakotay: we never chat Paris spit it out what do you want?

Me: you should ask the captain out on a date

Chakotay: WHAT??? are you insane she'd never go for it

Me: she might though I mean you are friends and you get on well 

Chakotay: I don't know

Me: look offer to buy her dinner at her quarters I'll even give you the some replicator rations towards the meal

Chakotay: ok so

Me: great go ask her

1430hrs.

she said yes she must be getting desperate.

2000hrs

he arrives for the date. Has brought a bottle of wine.

2200hrs

They seem to be getting on alright but I don't think it will go any-………… OHMYGOD!!! the captain is on top of him! Turn off the viewer turn off the viewer

I'm scarred for life.

Day Twelve.

I suppose this counts as a success the captain has found a man all thanks to me. All is good. Project over.

1400hrs. 

just had it pointed out to me that the captain and chkotay will kill me if they find out what we've been doing. (we didn't tell Chakotay because he would have squealed like a little piglet. Tuvok on the other hand had no objections as long as he didn't see me doing anything illegal. hence the arresting a few days ago) I just have to keep them from finding out.

1500hrs

B'lanna found out about the slumber party being broadcast, apparently the all the engineers learned off the words to Lady Marmalade and sang it to her this morning, unfortunately she didn't get the joke so after screaming blue murder at the engineers and restricting them all to quarters unless they were working (they knew that only the captain was supposed to do that but when she threatened to enforce this new rule with a bat'lath they all piped down). She is going to kill me if she can find me!

1800hrs. the captain and Chakotay finally appear for dinner and after five minutes realise that something is up. They find out about The Date My Captain Project. I've heard from Harry that they are angry….very angry.

1813hrs.

the other women who were at the slumber party find out that everyone saw what they did. Now I have five angry women and one very pissed off Indian chasing me around the ship. I figure if I can stay out of their way till the baby is born I should be ok they can't leave my childfatherless and B'lanna probably will have calmed down by then……………Hopefully

   [1]: mailto:devil_went_down@yahoo.co.uk



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